All his negativity and control over me until I felt strangled. I tried to make it work until I just couldn’t pretend any more. I should have spared myself years of misery and left so much sooner.
I’ve just discovered your stack through Julie Fontes (adore!) and so much of your marriage story resonates with me.
My ex husband isn’t gay and he wasn’t overtly controlling but yet, much of your experience and emotions ring true.
Our biggest fight-and we were non-fighters (something I later learned was actually not healthy-we both avoided conflict) was at the 6 week mark after my first daughter was born. I didn’t want to go back to work. He was very insistent that I should. Like you, I could not bear the thought of tearing myself from my baby. And I thought he and I were in the same page. I thought we’d agreed I’d stay home for 3-5 years-until our children went to school. He apparently had no recollection of that conversation and I was beyond taken aback.
For once, I didn’t budge. I held my ground -and I did stay home ~for nearly 20years.
But oh, the cost to our marriage -and to me, my self confidence, my self esteem.
The weight of the guilt I felt as being the cause of us never having enough money, which he reminded me of often, was heavy. And oh, the resentment I felt emanating from him, mostly coming out in passive aggressive comments and behaviors.
I’m so sad for you around not being “allowed” to give your little boy such a special gift. Woody. I wonder if and when you did give it to him. Did he love it? Was he excited? How did it feel for you? Bittersweet? Redemptive? Resentment inducing ?
I have such strong feelings against former me who -because I was not bringing in any income-deferred all decisions and power to my ex.
Want a new tv? Sure, it’s your money.
Then when I went to go grocery shopping a few days later, in my normal weekly grocery shopping run, I check in with him ok how much I can spend.
He says:: “nope. You can’t buy groceries. We are broke. You’ve got to wait til Friday when I get paid . “
I was already at the store. With two toddlers in tow.
I thought , but didn’t say: “What?! We just bought a huge TV!”
I say. “Ok.”
Cuz. Ya know. I was the POS who was causing us to be broke.
Grr. Sigh.
Our money relationship-which really was representative of our broader relationship-was really f’d up.
Like you, I often get melancholy around not so much missing him per se, but missing the lifestyle of being an intact family. Of celebrating Christmas with the kids in the house and all the magic.
They are both grown now and were 20 and 23 when we split, so Christmas would look totally different even if we were together but still, I get it. Missing That feeling of belonging. Especially during the holidays.
How complex grief after divorce is.
Thank you for sharing so vulnerably. You’re a good writer. I’ve read a few posts and I resonate. You’re a captivating storyteller.
Rosemary--Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. Like you, I feel like I identify completely even though we had different situations. I eventually gave my son Woody--I think for Easter or his birthday--the significance wasn't the same anymore. Of course, he loved it, as a toddler would. But, yes, it was resentment-inducing and bittersweet all the same. I'm so glad Julie brought you to my stack--adore her too! I look forward to reading your work. --Ki
So poignant Kiki - I hope you managed to move on with your life. Controlling men are so destructive and cruel. They have such a devastating impact on those around them. I was crushed by one such man and I am still recovering ❤️🩹 years later.
Amazing how a gift can crystallize deeper emotional issues. For me, it was giving my mother an ET doll and having her not remember she ever wanted it.
That blank look in her face – such an experience of being still faced. Here I was, offering all my love, making such an effort to connect to her – and I received nothing in return.
I heard the same things from my ex.
“No.”
“You’re not.”
“You’re being ridiculous.”
“You’re acting like a child.”
“Absolutely not.”
“Over my dead body.”
“You’re spoiling him.”
“You need to toughen up.”
All his negativity and control over me until I felt strangled. I tried to make it work until I just couldn’t pretend any more. I should have spared myself years of misery and left so much sooner.
I know exactly what you mean! I was so paralyzed when it came to leaving, but was so unhappy.
Hi Kiki.
I’ve just discovered your stack through Julie Fontes (adore!) and so much of your marriage story resonates with me.
My ex husband isn’t gay and he wasn’t overtly controlling but yet, much of your experience and emotions ring true.
Our biggest fight-and we were non-fighters (something I later learned was actually not healthy-we both avoided conflict) was at the 6 week mark after my first daughter was born. I didn’t want to go back to work. He was very insistent that I should. Like you, I could not bear the thought of tearing myself from my baby. And I thought he and I were in the same page. I thought we’d agreed I’d stay home for 3-5 years-until our children went to school. He apparently had no recollection of that conversation and I was beyond taken aback.
For once, I didn’t budge. I held my ground -and I did stay home ~for nearly 20years.
But oh, the cost to our marriage -and to me, my self confidence, my self esteem.
The weight of the guilt I felt as being the cause of us never having enough money, which he reminded me of often, was heavy. And oh, the resentment I felt emanating from him, mostly coming out in passive aggressive comments and behaviors.
I’m so sad for you around not being “allowed” to give your little boy such a special gift. Woody. I wonder if and when you did give it to him. Did he love it? Was he excited? How did it feel for you? Bittersweet? Redemptive? Resentment inducing ?
I have such strong feelings against former me who -because I was not bringing in any income-deferred all decisions and power to my ex.
Want a new tv? Sure, it’s your money.
Then when I went to go grocery shopping a few days later, in my normal weekly grocery shopping run, I check in with him ok how much I can spend.
He says:: “nope. You can’t buy groceries. We are broke. You’ve got to wait til Friday when I get paid . “
I was already at the store. With two toddlers in tow.
I thought , but didn’t say: “What?! We just bought a huge TV!”
I say. “Ok.”
Cuz. Ya know. I was the POS who was causing us to be broke.
Grr. Sigh.
Our money relationship-which really was representative of our broader relationship-was really f’d up.
Like you, I often get melancholy around not so much missing him per se, but missing the lifestyle of being an intact family. Of celebrating Christmas with the kids in the house and all the magic.
They are both grown now and were 20 and 23 when we split, so Christmas would look totally different even if we were together but still, I get it. Missing That feeling of belonging. Especially during the holidays.
How complex grief after divorce is.
Thank you for sharing so vulnerably. You’re a good writer. I’ve read a few posts and I resonate. You’re a captivating storyteller.
Please keep writing your story.
Rosemary--Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. Like you, I feel like I identify completely even though we had different situations. I eventually gave my son Woody--I think for Easter or his birthday--the significance wasn't the same anymore. Of course, he loved it, as a toddler would. But, yes, it was resentment-inducing and bittersweet all the same. I'm so glad Julie brought you to my stack--adore her too! I look forward to reading your work. --Ki
What a Prick! That much of an issue over a toy? Jeeze.
So poignant Kiki - I hope you managed to move on with your life. Controlling men are so destructive and cruel. They have such a devastating impact on those around them. I was crushed by one such man and I am still recovering ❤️🩹 years later.
Fuck him.
Did you gift Woody in the end?
I agree with Denise, a great piece. Well told.
What a great piece, thank you for sharing this
Amazing how a gift can crystallize deeper emotional issues. For me, it was giving my mother an ET doll and having her not remember she ever wanted it.
That blank look in her face – such an experience of being still faced. Here I was, offering all my love, making such an effort to connect to her – and I received nothing in return.
I feel you!