You are in the beautiful thick of becoming. I published a piece this week that had so many similar themes (not about the men or booze) but about the becoming, the shedding, and the settling. I've actually been working on a still unfinished piece specifically about settling into yourself. Which is all to say, we are walking along the same path at the moment, Kiki. Thanks for sharing. You provide such a wonderful outlet for other writers' work, but I'm glad to see you indulge in your own lovely writing too.
OMG, everything in this piece --needing men, alcohol, not being enough-- screams of my own experience. I noticed that menopause was like turning off a switch, coming to and all I could ask myself was What was I thinking? What the ef was I thinking?
Okay, so now, maybe I don't like looking in the mirror so much, but I like everything else about being older. Even the invisibility. I like being single and I've got my health so now that I'm well past 50, kids are grown and on their own, this is the best time of life. No man-related drama, no alcohol-related drama. Yup, best time of life.
I’m so happy there are others who relate. Menopause was totally like turning off a switch! It’s uncomfortable for some, but I love it I feel so much healthier! 💛
Thank you Kiki for sharing this peek inside your self reflection. Very inspiring. I think we should all do this at different stages. It’s like taking in and appreciating the magnificent view from the mountain tops of where we are in our present lives.
Second on everything Kiki said. Well, instead of chasing men or success or acceptance, now I chase a more pleasant today than yesterday, like a well-worn loungewear that feels right and comfy and in my own skin. And it is so peaceful over here. 🙏
Thank you for this. I am also in my 50s, and though my path worked out differently, I can related to so much of what you wrote. For example, this: "I don’t have to worry about someone else not creating an appropriate bond with my child." And I think one of the main outcomes of aging for women is becoming more confident and less apologetic. Yes, we are going to wear that, eat that, say that.
I love how one finds the things they need when they are needed; your 2nd half, for you and for me, this piece. It's the third such piece to recently come across my feed. That's interesting because I've written and am now editing a fiction piece for a decent prize for a lit mag. The plot centers on a woman in her 70s, looking back at who she was, what changed, which version she liked better, and which pieces carry over from youth to maturity. In this story, there is a man, however, a decade or so younger, shooting his shot after years of wishing he had.
If there's one universal theme I'm seeing among women in this context, it's regret over choosing the "bad boys" in their youth. It seems as though you women have somehow been fooled into believing that dating a narcissist is a required step, like you somehow don't deserve love without abuse.
Change is unavoidable, and in your case, it's brought positives.
Oh my! I nodded so vigorously at every paragraph, I practically gave myself a headache! I just turned 60, and have been working on changing my mindset about what I'm missing ( supposed to miss??) v what I consistently gain by not pursuing men anymore. Sometimes I do wonder if it's by choice. Or have I just given up ? My God. I look back on my younger years of frantically craving attention, validation, and (like yourself) wildly attracted to dominant men. I ended up marrying one ( my 2d husband). Funny how hormones blur the lines of fantasy/reality. Sure I had fun. I even thought I loved him. But he never loved me back. Dominant? Nah. Just an asshole. Booze added to the chaos exponentially for MANY years. So I left him. Raised two kids. My priorities shifted. And when menopause hit....so long, lusty libido! A blessing and a curse. I've been celibate for 12 years now, but I no longer cringe at "admitting" what I should feel no shame about. My kids are grown (28 and 37), and I have a wonderful relationship with them....now. The drinking years were ROUGH. I have to live with a lot of regret and remorse for the emotional duress I put them through. I live in a cute little lake cottage with my cats and birds, work full time, write, and cook and garden and just do whatever the hell I want to, which is often nothing. I'm in bed at around the same time I used to be getting ready to go out, dressed to impress . Now I just dont care. If I get the occasional smile or wink or door held open, I feel a tiny flush..a flutter. It's nice to think maybe I still 'got it' , even if that feeling is fleeting. My emotional passion is now reserved for my grandchildren, for reading, for open mics and podcasts and indulging in weird little hobbies (harmless) I never want to feel compelled to explain to a partner. In the early days of being separated, I felt lost in the hollow of loneliness, even though the REAL loneliness is the result of being trapped in a miserable marriage. Or two. I'd like a dinner companion occasionally though. I can still picture making a meal for a guy, swapping massages, watching some movie we agree on. I sometimes wanna watch Jeopardy with a partner. But when I ponder the possibility of physical intimacy...I dont know. That road no longer calls to me. Does that cause grief or relief? Well, no matter what may or may not happen, I'm happy to finally accept life as it IS.
Beautiful, wise reflections, Kiki. I see a lot of myself in your words. This is so relatable to many women at this stage of life. Life is much quieter these days for me, also. I love everything about that 🤍
You are in the beautiful thick of becoming. I published a piece this week that had so many similar themes (not about the men or booze) but about the becoming, the shedding, and the settling. I've actually been working on a still unfinished piece specifically about settling into yourself. Which is all to say, we are walking along the same path at the moment, Kiki. Thanks for sharing. You provide such a wonderful outlet for other writers' work, but I'm glad to see you indulge in your own lovely writing too.
Awww, thank you, Leslie! ❤️ I’m so glad others relate!
OMG, everything in this piece --needing men, alcohol, not being enough-- screams of my own experience. I noticed that menopause was like turning off a switch, coming to and all I could ask myself was What was I thinking? What the ef was I thinking?
Okay, so now, maybe I don't like looking in the mirror so much, but I like everything else about being older. Even the invisibility. I like being single and I've got my health so now that I'm well past 50, kids are grown and on their own, this is the best time of life. No man-related drama, no alcohol-related drama. Yup, best time of life.
I’m so happy there are others who relate. Menopause was totally like turning off a switch! It’s uncomfortable for some, but I love it I feel so much healthier! 💛
Thank you Kiki for sharing this peek inside your self reflection. Very inspiring. I think we should all do this at different stages. It’s like taking in and appreciating the magnificent view from the mountain tops of where we are in our present lives.
Thank you, Fifi. I so appreciate your kind words!
I love your description of how you needed alcohol and what for. I'm on the other side of these things finally, too. More stories, please. . .
Thank you so much!!! xo
Once again, you share raw, vulnerable, perhaps difficult aspects of your life and manage to be uplifting and inspiring at the same time. xo
Second on everything Kiki said. Well, instead of chasing men or success or acceptance, now I chase a more pleasant today than yesterday, like a well-worn loungewear that feels right and comfy and in my own skin. And it is so peaceful over here. 🙏
Thank you for this. I am also in my 50s, and though my path worked out differently, I can related to so much of what you wrote. For example, this: "I don’t have to worry about someone else not creating an appropriate bond with my child." And I think one of the main outcomes of aging for women is becoming more confident and less apologetic. Yes, we are going to wear that, eat that, say that.
100% relatable to me and many women! Isn't it great to find ourselves.....finally? It has brought such joy and freedom.
Kiki, writing your truth is a beautiful thing.
I get it, Kiki. I don't need men either! And our adolescent needs lose their grip. Aging with grace.
I love how one finds the things they need when they are needed; your 2nd half, for you and for me, this piece. It's the third such piece to recently come across my feed. That's interesting because I've written and am now editing a fiction piece for a decent prize for a lit mag. The plot centers on a woman in her 70s, looking back at who she was, what changed, which version she liked better, and which pieces carry over from youth to maturity. In this story, there is a man, however, a decade or so younger, shooting his shot after years of wishing he had.
If there's one universal theme I'm seeing among women in this context, it's regret over choosing the "bad boys" in their youth. It seems as though you women have somehow been fooled into believing that dating a narcissist is a required step, like you somehow don't deserve love without abuse.
Change is unavoidable, and in your case, it's brought positives.
Oh my! I nodded so vigorously at every paragraph, I practically gave myself a headache! I just turned 60, and have been working on changing my mindset about what I'm missing ( supposed to miss??) v what I consistently gain by not pursuing men anymore. Sometimes I do wonder if it's by choice. Or have I just given up ? My God. I look back on my younger years of frantically craving attention, validation, and (like yourself) wildly attracted to dominant men. I ended up marrying one ( my 2d husband). Funny how hormones blur the lines of fantasy/reality. Sure I had fun. I even thought I loved him. But he never loved me back. Dominant? Nah. Just an asshole. Booze added to the chaos exponentially for MANY years. So I left him. Raised two kids. My priorities shifted. And when menopause hit....so long, lusty libido! A blessing and a curse. I've been celibate for 12 years now, but I no longer cringe at "admitting" what I should feel no shame about. My kids are grown (28 and 37), and I have a wonderful relationship with them....now. The drinking years were ROUGH. I have to live with a lot of regret and remorse for the emotional duress I put them through. I live in a cute little lake cottage with my cats and birds, work full time, write, and cook and garden and just do whatever the hell I want to, which is often nothing. I'm in bed at around the same time I used to be getting ready to go out, dressed to impress . Now I just dont care. If I get the occasional smile or wink or door held open, I feel a tiny flush..a flutter. It's nice to think maybe I still 'got it' , even if that feeling is fleeting. My emotional passion is now reserved for my grandchildren, for reading, for open mics and podcasts and indulging in weird little hobbies (harmless) I never want to feel compelled to explain to a partner. In the early days of being separated, I felt lost in the hollow of loneliness, even though the REAL loneliness is the result of being trapped in a miserable marriage. Or two. I'd like a dinner companion occasionally though. I can still picture making a meal for a guy, swapping massages, watching some movie we agree on. I sometimes wanna watch Jeopardy with a partner. But when I ponder the possibility of physical intimacy...I dont know. That road no longer calls to me. Does that cause grief or relief? Well, no matter what may or may not happen, I'm happy to finally accept life as it IS.
Beautiful, wise reflections, Kiki. I see a lot of myself in your words. This is so relatable to many women at this stage of life. Life is much quieter these days for me, also. I love everything about that 🤍