I Don't Need Men.

And I don't need booze either.

Photo by Kamakshi subramani on Unsplash

Once upon a time, I needed men.

I needed controlling, dominant, intelligent, exciting men. I look back at my younger self and wonder why. Why didn’t I have enough love for myself to be the strong, independent, creative woman I was without being dragged down by someone else’s vision of who I should be?

Now in my mid-50s, I realize that I, in fact, don’t need men at all.

I am happier on my own and don’t need to constantly make excuses for any weaknesses in my personality or lack of motivation when I have no more energy to give. Or my desire to be free in my own chaotic creativity.

I am the single mother to a grown son and a teenage girl with autism.

There are times when it isn’t easy. But I’ve found that only having to answer to myself is easier. I don’t have to worry about someone else not creating an appropriate bond with my child or having to tiptoe around behaviors that are out of my control. Or worry about how a dominant male personality will impact her. For what? To have sex once a year? I’ve grown out of that, too.

Once upon a time, I needed alcohol.

I needed numbing, blinding, intoxicating, lying alcohol. I look back at my younger self and wonder why. Why didn’t I have enough love for myself to embrace my messiness and have faith in the quiet, powerful strength I possess? Instead, I opted to be pushed down by men and cope with booze.

There is something freeing about not needing.

I complain about getting older like any other silver-haired broad might.

But I love the freedom.

I can embrace my messiness with confidence. I can look back on the mistakes of my youth, my wild experiences, desperate yearnings, and self-imposed imprisonment with grace and wisdom.

My memory isn’t what it once was. And I’m much more introverted than I used to be. I suppose I don’t need to overcompensate anymore.

Who I was as a woman in my 20s and 30s is miles away from who I am today. I used to strut around with my blonde hair and trendy clothes, embracing the Hollywood lifestyle and trying to be noticed by anyone who would look. Insecurity at best, misplaced priorities at worst.

Today, I’m more of a lurker in society. Confident with my natural hair, the lines of experience in my face, and a quieter life in the suburbs. I am no longer loud and gregarious, haunting bars in a slinky dress and freshly poured glass of red wine, flirting with men.

A duplicidous gemini, I can’t help but look at the two very different versions of me and wonder which one is the truth.

Now that I’m the cliché older and wiser, I think maybe the answer is they are two very different parts of the same woman. And what’s important is that I’ve learned and grown along the way. I made a lot of stupid decisions as a young woman, but those choices helped shape who I became over the years.

Sure, sometimes I miss my old flamboyant self. The actress. The manic cockiness. But she is so far away from this other side of me. She’s a foreigner. I’m different today. And that’s not a bad thing. I’ve been through menopause, which suits me so much better than the alternative. I’m much healthier and happier because of it. My chronic migraines have significantly decreased, and I don’t have to deal with painful, awful periods. Or trying to make someone else happy.

Are there things I miss? I suppose sometimes I miss the attention, if I’m being honest. I also miss traveling. But now that my girl is a teenager, I see more travel on the horizon. I’m not sure she’ll ever leave home, but I’m at peace with that. I used to laugh a lot more, but I’ll always be a giggler. So that’s not really lost.

Even my creativity is more refined.

I don’t write as often as I used to, but it’s more deliberate and not fueled by alcohol. I used to lie to myself, believing it made me less inhibited and more creative. Not even remotely true. I look at pieces I wrote during that era and cringe. I’ve grown as a woman, and I’ve grown as a writer.

Life may not be as exciting today, but I am settled. Not in a bad way. In a calm way.

Once upon a time, I needed men. And I needed alcohol.

Today, I just need myself. And I’m stronger and better for it.