Kiki, oh my god, I feel so much of what you wrote. I once left a man who treated me like no one ever did for another man who wasn't good for me and left me shortly after I jilted the good guy for him. I've had recurring dreams in which I asked the good guy for forgiveness. I feel your words and understand the emotions behind each one of them.
It’s over 20 years since I left him, but my guilt is still there. I actually wrote an open apology letter to him on Medium last year. He would never be able to read it, but it made me feel a bit better. I hope you also find your peace after writing this essay.
Thank you so much, Chingmay! Leaving the marriage was the right thing to do--I wasn't ready for it and we really weren't right for one another. But, gosh, how I went about it was so wrong. I dream about him all the time and will forever feel guilty about what I did. I ended marrying Jason and we had a beautiful son together--but in the end, that marriage did not work out either....
I realize now that the right timing is everything in life. I also don't regret about losing the person but the way I left him…with a text message. Not only that, I did it twice with him. 😞
As Maya Angelou said, “When you know better, you do better.” With your youth and brain chemistry at the time, you didn’t know better. Forgive yourself.
It takes so much shadow work and self awareness to be able to write like this— with such honesty and remorse. After all these years, I’m sure he forgives you— the good ones almost always forgive (maybe not for the other person, but to free themselves)
Rarely does one read something like this, KiKi. Shame is so out of fashion, it barely exists. My husband is bipolar and we’ve stayed together. For much of our time together, he was undiagnosed and unmedicated. He’s haunted by hurt he inflicted on me and our son. I forgive him because he’s a good man with a bad disease, which is now 99% under control. (Thank God!) I respect you both for not just blaming the disease, but I hope you make peace with the past.
"Regret and shame. They live forever. Like a creeping poison." So true. Nearly 20 years later, I am still taunted by my betrayal. She has rebuffed every attempt of mine to apologize and seek forgiveness. The toughest lesson has been letting go of the man I thought I was going to be and accepting, forgiving, and loving the man I am. It's a lesson I have to revisit every day. Thank you for sharing your experience, Kiki.
I am in my first year of marriage and appreciate your vulnerability and candor. This is my fear, as my hubs seems so calm and straightforward, and Im struggling with changes and stress. But im happier than ever I married the man I did. Feel as though Im letting him down, he's working 12 hr days and Im the one who is exausted all the time ♡
I’m speechless. Your story made me reflect on the times I’ve been causing pain. I admire your courage in sharing this part of yourself with such raw honesty and vulnerability. I truly believe we make decisions based on what we know at the time—you were so young, undiagnosed, and just trying to find your place and voice in the world. Thank you for sharing this! It’s deeply moving.
Oh, Kiki. I felt gutted reading this. What a brave and vulnerable sharing of this part of your story. I do resonate on some level. I should've left my first husband; he may have turned out better if I had. He sounds a lot like your ex, who treated you so kindly. But, alas, my story is different... I love your raw and honest storytelling. This one hit my heart big time. It'll stay with me 🤍
Kiki, oh my god, I feel so much of what you wrote. I once left a man who treated me like no one ever did for another man who wasn't good for me and left me shortly after I jilted the good guy for him. I've had recurring dreams in which I asked the good guy for forgiveness. I feel your words and understand the emotions behind each one of them.
It’s over 20 years since I left him, but my guilt is still there. I actually wrote an open apology letter to him on Medium last year. He would never be able to read it, but it made me feel a bit better. I hope you also find your peace after writing this essay.
Thank you so much, Chingmay! Leaving the marriage was the right thing to do--I wasn't ready for it and we really weren't right for one another. But, gosh, how I went about it was so wrong. I dream about him all the time and will forever feel guilty about what I did. I ended marrying Jason and we had a beautiful son together--but in the end, that marriage did not work out either....
I realize now that the right timing is everything in life. I also don't regret about losing the person but the way I left him…with a text message. Not only that, I did it twice with him. 😞
And yes, children are so life-fulfilling. 😃
Fuck you both!
You can console yourself knowing that he’s happier without you.
For what it's worth, I think you're incredibly kind. You were sick and didn't know it. I hope you can forgive yourself.
Thank you, friend. xo
As Maya Angelou said, “When you know better, you do better.” With your youth and brain chemistry at the time, you didn’t know better. Forgive yourself.
It takes so much shadow work and self awareness to be able to write like this— with such honesty and remorse. After all these years, I’m sure he forgives you— the good ones almost always forgive (maybe not for the other person, but to free themselves)
Rarely does one read something like this, KiKi. Shame is so out of fashion, it barely exists. My husband is bipolar and we’ve stayed together. For much of our time together, he was undiagnosed and unmedicated. He’s haunted by hurt he inflicted on me and our son. I forgive him because he’s a good man with a bad disease, which is now 99% under control. (Thank God!) I respect you both for not just blaming the disease, but I hope you make peace with the past.
Recovery is a journey, some parts of which are difficult to explore.
Reading this, while eloquent and honest, hit me like fists to the head, chest and below. Obviously I am not him, but I was.
Wow--PTSD rears its head.
"Regret and shame. They live forever. Like a creeping poison." So true. Nearly 20 years later, I am still taunted by my betrayal. She has rebuffed every attempt of mine to apologize and seek forgiveness. The toughest lesson has been letting go of the man I thought I was going to be and accepting, forgiving, and loving the man I am. It's a lesson I have to revisit every day. Thank you for sharing your experience, Kiki.
“Girls just wanna have fun, they just wanna, they just wanna aha”. ..
Hi Kiki. I know it may sound cliche...but do you feel (or felt) like the marriage happened for a reason?
I am in my first year of marriage and appreciate your vulnerability and candor. This is my fear, as my hubs seems so calm and straightforward, and Im struggling with changes and stress. But im happier than ever I married the man I did. Feel as though Im letting him down, he's working 12 hr days and Im the one who is exausted all the time ♡
Hi Kiki, I’ve written for you in the other place 🤫😆
I’m speechless. Your story made me reflect on the times I’ve been causing pain. I admire your courage in sharing this part of yourself with such raw honesty and vulnerability. I truly believe we make decisions based on what we know at the time—you were so young, undiagnosed, and just trying to find your place and voice in the world. Thank you for sharing this! It’s deeply moving.
Raw. And so painful.
You were manic, you were depressed. What you did makes perfect sense in light of that.
You've suffered enough. I hope you can forgive you.
Oh, Kiki. I felt gutted reading this. What a brave and vulnerable sharing of this part of your story. I do resonate on some level. I should've left my first husband; he may have turned out better if I had. He sounds a lot like your ex, who treated you so kindly. But, alas, my story is different... I love your raw and honest storytelling. This one hit my heart big time. It'll stay with me 🤍