When You Shut Down as a Writer

Fighting against the perfect storm

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My writing blocks are self-imposed. I understand that. I know exactly why it happens and when. But even after all the years I've spent as an undiscovered writer, the most well-intentioned comment can cut me down.

I wish it didn’t happen.

But it does.

I have long periods where my confidence overrides worrying about what others think. I’m careful when I talk about others in my pieces; I try to be respectful and write from my perspective. I mean, I try to anyway.

Someone in my life inevitably starts asking me to write about them, questioning why I haven’t written about something else, getting upset about something I’ve written, or pointing out that because I’m private in real life, they find out things about me they never knew. And that’s a problem for them. Which becomes a problem for me.

When the perfect storm happens, I can tend to shut down. In all areas. With friends and family, with my writing, with other creative pursuits. I shut down and slither deep inside myself closing the walls around me hard and fast.

Your words are so personal when you’re a writer.

Your vulnerability is so raw.

It’s ridiculously easy to shift your attention to the negative and accomplish nothing. It seems like just when I’m on a roll, something happens. Like a surprise court date or something.

When you shut down as a writer, it can be difficult to find your footing again. I swear it becomes more difficult each time.

I write memoirs and personal essays mostly, which means I pour my heart and soul out through my words, carefully crafting them into a story or meaningful piece along the way. It makes me feel happy and complete. And when others are receptive, I’m receptive too. When I feel understood, I begin to open up, if even just a little.

You run into trouble when you don’t feel understood. When you start worrying about everyone else or how your own words can be twisted against you. How can you be truthful and open as a writer when you have to worry about being misunderstood or unintentionally hurtful?

I’ve recently had a major writing block, but have slowly been crawling back into the swing of things. But negative thoughts are still swirling around in my head and I’m not sure how authentic I can be right now.

I wish I had some valuable information to share on how to combat this problem, but I don’t. All I can say is—art of any kind is deeply personal. It’s a reflection of who you were, who you are, and who you want to be. But where you see a reflection, others see the collective work. You are looking back at yourself, and others are taking in an object, an artifact, a piece of writing. With this in mind, understanding the dichotomy of what you present to the world, can make living with the difficulties that come our way easier to swallow.

I’m not sorry for anything I’ve ever written. I am most myself when I write.

It doesn’t matter if what I’m producing is good or bad—it’s a part of me. I am a socially awkward introvert who struggles with deep periods of depression and seemingly constant failures in life. And I’m painfully private. Many writers are. We’re funny like that. So what I share through my writing is a big deal. As I suspect it is for other writers. My writing is how I belong, how I socialize, and how I express myself. It is not easy for me to express myself in ways outside of the written word.

So here I am.

Fighting against the winds that try to keep me down. Eager for course correction and a lovely breeze to soar with.